The “Let Them” Theory: What It Means When Your Partner Still Drinks

When people decide to stop drinking, they often imagine it as a personal choice – a private act of self-care and self-preservation. And in many ways it is. But sobriety rarely exists in isolation. It affects friendships, workplaces, family life, and perhaps most of all, romantic relationships.

One of the questions we hear most often at Sober Essex is: what do I do if my partner still drinks?

It’s a question loaded with emotion. For some, a partner’s drinking feels like a reminder of the life they’ve left behind. For others, it sparks resentment – why should I change everything while they carry on as if nothing’s different? And for many, there’s a quiet fear: if we no longer share this ritual, what does that mean for us as a couple?

This is where Mel Robbins’ much-discussed idea, the “Let Them” theory, offers an unexpected lifeline.

What is the “Let Them” theory?

Robbins’ advice is deceptively simple: if someone wants to do something that doesn’t align with your values or lifestyle, let them.

Rather than trying to control, cajole, or convince others to live life as you do, you step back. You allow them the dignity of their own choices. And in doing so, you reclaim the energy wasted on frustration and focus instead on yourself.

Applied to sobriety, this means recognising a crucial truth: your partner’s decision to keep drinking is not a referendum on your choice to stop. It’s not proof that they don’t support you, or that they don’t care. It’s simply their decision – one they’re entitled to make, just as you were entitled to make yours.

Sobriety and the politics of partnership

Living with a partner who drinks can feel like sitting on two different benches facing the same landscape. You see the same world, but your vantage point is different. What was once a shared activity – the wine with dinner, the weekend pub trip – no longer fits for you. And yet for them, it still does.

The instinct is often to try to bring them across to your bench. To persuade, nudge, or even demand. After all, we know how corrosive alcohol can be, how subtly it can shape lives. But as anyone who has wrestled with drinking knows, pressure rarely inspires change.

And so, as Robbins puts it, you let them.

The freedom of not controlling

Letting your partner drink if they choose does not mean you endorse it, or that you never feel discomfort. What it means is that you accept the limits of your control.

This shift can be liberating. Instead of exhausting yourself by monitoring their glass, silently tallying units, or replaying arguments in your head, you redirect that energy. You build your own sober life – one that is rooted in peace, clarity, and connection.

And here’s the paradox: by stepping back, you often become more persuasive than you ever could be through nagging or confrontation. The quiet example of a life lived fully alcohol-free can sometimes speak louder than any words.

Boundaries matter

Of course, “letting them” doesn’t mean tolerating harm. If your partner’s drinking crosses into neglect, disrespect, or toxicity, you are entirely within your rights to set boundaries – or to choose to leave. Letting go of control does not mean abandoning self-respect.

Instead, it means this: you no longer make their drinking your responsibility. You hold space for their choices while standing firmly in your own. You accept that your path is yours alone – and that it is enough.

Why this matters in sober communities

In Britain, where alcohol has long been woven into the social fabric, sobriety can feel like swimming against the tide. Choosing not to drink is often met with surprise, suspicion, or even hostility. Within relationships, that cultural backdrop only intensifies the tension.

This is why the “Let Them” theory resonates so strongly within communities like Sober Essex. It offers a way forward that isn’t about ultimatums or silent suffering, but about ownership. You take responsibility for your life, your choices, your happiness – and you let others do the same.

A closing thought

Sobriety, at its heart, is not about what you deny yourself but what you gain: clarity, peace, connection, and freedom. The “Let Them” theory is a reminder that this freedom includes liberation from trying to control others.

So if your partner still drinks, let them. Not because it doesn’t matter – but because your life, your growth, and your peace matter more.

Sober Essex 2025